Pythian Games

put on your track shoes and write the miles

Rigid Bones’ Diary

with 6 comments

October 10th 11:50pm

Cod liver oil capsules- 2

Multi-vitamins – 2

Extra Vit C – 2

Corn plasters – 1

Knee support stocking to wear during day – 1

Clippers for ingrowing toe nails – acquired by mail order

Anti – inflams – 6

Red hot heat gel – 8 rubs

Garlic capsules – 2

Red wine for sake of arthritis – bottle – 1

Low fat  friendly bacteria trendy health yogurt drinks – 3

Apples – 2

Bananas – 1

Chocolate fudge cake as essential to keep spirits up – large slice – for nerves!

Exercise for mobility in knees – yes – I did walk about today.


Is anything more likely to stop a woman in the prime of her mature years finding a rich, handsome toy boy than arthritic limbs? Creak, groan, crunch, the second I begin to move very little of my body moves with me. Fingers crack with the clarity of a rifle being discharged, knees straighten like a creaking door in a Hammer Horror film and I sound like I’m auditioning for a part in Scary Movie 6. How will I ever snare myself a rippling muscled Adonis if I’m clanking about like Tin Man’s mother from Wizard of Oz!

9:10am (approx.)

Morning check up (as per usual) phone call from Jenny, sweet, dutiful, over protective daughter. Wish she would do us all favour,  ditch dullard husband and lighten up. Together there’d be no stopping us, we could easily be taken for sisters if she’d try a little harder to go with the flow and get back in the hunt for a hunk. There are times when I wonder if I left hospital with wrong baby; how did I manage to produce a woman whose watchword is ‘moderation in all things’ and happily espouses it like an updated version of The Lord’s Prayer? I blame her father, she listens to his earnest warnings and dull mutterings like they’ve been written in stone and rolled down a mountain. Thank God her kids are displaying good,  healthy signs of teenage rebellion with fire in their bellies!

9: 50am 

Morning call, as per usual, from ex-husband Richard. Ten years of divorced bliss and he phones to warn me about icy conditions on roads and give urgent injunctios to wrap up warm. He is so transparent. I know he harbours obsession I may have a man here. I’m 73, of course I’m going to have men here! He needs to get a life, in fact he should go one better and get a wife! Reassured him would wear fleecy leather gloves he bought me last Christmas and hung up when he began lecture on advantages of thermal underwear for elderly women. If that’s all he can think about he needs to get himself elderly woman a.s.a.p ( 73 not elderly, late middle age for young at heart )  preferably an Eskimo who will whisk him off to her igloo and show him entire wardrobe of thermal garments for the nether regions.


Breakfast –  tea, toast, marmalade, apple and a small quantity of disgusting wood shavings also known as pure bran. Put my feet up wearing secretly owned pair of lemon jimjams and had lovely hour reading personals ads. in local rag with Snuggles, my comforting and intelligent cat. I know numerous individuals who could learn a lot from watching him. 

One or two ‘come and get me’ pleas caught my eye, someone has to save them and add colour to their beige lives but honestly, who writes those things. Noticed one that’s been in for a few weeks:-

          Male, 36, GSOH, doesn’t smoke, professional man, own house and car looking for lady who likes having fun, eating out, cinema, theatre and travelling – for friendship and possible romance.

Love doing all those things, especially possible romance; circled ad. in red ink, just to give myself fall back option. I’m certain I could show that boy a good time and he would definitely end the date knowing the difference between friendship and possible romance!  Obvious he’s never met experienced and racy gal, the mature woman has such a lot to offer! On the other hand, I do like to see my purchases before I buy… shame! 

11:00 am – showered and dressed – quick half hour watching Judge Judy,  shouted,  ‘Bang ’em up Jude’ at tele screen through entire programme. Picked out hunk snaring outfit for old crone get together. 

12:o4 pm

Lunch – leak and potato soup, Melba toast, salad concoction from supermarket freezer, home made bread from new bread making machine ( tasted of onions but sure I did not include onions) plus tap water I keep in empty ‘Malvern Hills Spring Water’ bottle to impress visitors.

1:06  10 minute power nap, all the rage, fine by me.

1;46 pm –  drove down to old crone centre with Bridget Bardot scarf hiding me from view. Cannot be seen entering OAP premises, especially as am using it to seek out EYM’s. Hope to be confused with active, young social worker. Hip playing up.

2:oopm  Tuesday afternoon whist drive. No idea how to play whist so spent time doing usual, nodding politely at old dears swapping cards and slurping tea whilst scanning room for new and potentially eligible men. Incredibly this has proved happy hunting ground in past. Chap I noticed last week with full head of hair and sprightly step turned up again. Made eye contact. Had hoped to make far more than eye contact if I could have got him on his own and away from Enid Hetherington who was boring him into a coma. As I said to best friend Ethel, so few men, so little time; doubt she heard, hearing aid she wears makes sonic noise which attracts every dog in four mile radius. Am prepared to overlook her handicap of ancient name and deafness for wicked sense of humour and fully functioning brain!

5: 00pm –   shattered, possibly eligible man has definitely married to him wife! Saw him being picked up in MG Midget sports car by bride of 4 weeks,  24 years his junior… she has to be gold digger. What is problem with women in their 50’s? She should have gone for boy 23 years her junior,  already hard enough for outgoing attractive full on women in my age group to find man with all faculties, hair, lithe limbs, good quality suits and active libido. Do not need tarts like Melissa (ughh)  pinching them from under nose and flaunting them at whist drives!

6:00 pm

Cocktail hour, screwed cocktails for large glass of Jacob’s Creek shiraz – mmm. Changed out of hunk snaring outfit for something comfy.

7 pm – fish for tea, wrote 2 letters to MP on iniquities of  waiting lists re: new hips for over 70’s, (who should qualify instantly)  finished off wine, tuned in to Coronation Street, looked at male gymnastics on Sky, attempted Guardian crossword, read book, steamy romp in 1940’s England – brief encounters in all possible farm locations!

10:36 pm –  lovely hot bath with scented aroma therapy oils and candles, Jenny convinced will burn house down, at least house will smell nice, glanced at clock, applied Jane Fonda anti-wrinkle “costs a fortune but I’m worth it moisturiser”,  came to bed.

11:36 – still fuming over Melissa personage stealing my ‘eligible man’ project, but must get beauty sleep. Hussy!

Jan – think this will be continued!

Written by jan2

November 2, 2006 at 12:25 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. Oh this is rich! laughed, spit coffee, smiled, wry grin, belly ho ho ho and more.

    Write on!


    November 2, 2006 at 1:05 pm

  2. Thanks – post driving me nuts because can’t seem to edit spaces and change detail. Ughh!


    November 2, 2006 at 4:31 pm

  3. ROFLAO! Delightful!


    November 2, 2006 at 6:06 pm

  4. Fun…funny….fun that is funny.

    Great Read!

    Anita Marie

    Anita Marie

    November 3, 2006 at 3:55 am

  5. I have missed actually writing down and saying how much fun this is Jan. Gave me a good belly laugh and that is always a very good thing.

    Heather Blakey

    November 8, 2006 at 1:08 pm

  6. […] Wed 14 Mar 2007 Posted by jan2 under Rigid Bones’ Diary  Rigid Bones’ Diary  […]

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